


Kyrie Elaison

by Actually_Felicity_Smoak



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Roman Catholicism, Season 1 Spoilers, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 06:29:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5446628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Felicity_Smoak/pseuds/Actually_Felicity_Smoak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver re-evaluates religion in light of his experiences on Lian Yu and since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kyrie Elaison

He’d never thought of himself as religious. Yes, they attended mass on Christmas Eve every year, but it had never really sunk in, he’d thought. Christmas in his childhood had always been more about the big Christmas party, and the candy canes. He’d literally lived on purgatory for two years, and then left it for hell, and in his most desperate moments he’d never said so much as a Hail Mary.

And yet here he was, huddled in a concrete box, his back against a pillar, with nothing but the Confiteor looping through his head on endless playback. 

_I have greatly sinned… in my thoughts… in what I have failed to do … through my most grievous fault…. I confess… that I have greatly sinned … in what I have done, and it what I have failed to do; through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault…_

Night fell, and the basement became pitch black. Dawn came, and soft pink light spread across the cement floor. He saw none of it. He saw only his mother, Slade’s sword through her heart, lying on the forest floor. 

_Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault…_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver paused before opening the Star Labs briefcase Sebastian had given him. He had no idea what he believed, any more, about afterlife, or transubstantiation, or virgin births. But this -- this gift from a repentant alderman -- this was salvation. He didn’t know if he had a soul, and if he did, whether it could be “saved”. But with this case, he could save Roy, save the city, save his honor, save his friends.

_Bless us, oh Lord, and these, thy gifts which we are about to receive. From thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord. Amen._

He unlocked the case and slid it over to Felicity. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles: I leave you peace, my peace I give you. Look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom where you live for ever and ever.”

“Amen.” Oliver spoke along with the rest of the congregation. 

He hadn’t been to Mass in more than 7 years. He’d begged off in his first year back from exile, saying he was too tired. And no one had had the nerve to suggest it last Christmas, after the disastrous Christmas party. But he still knew where all the words went; could genuflect at the right times. 

“The Peace of the Lord be with you always.”  
It felt weird. Despite his baptism and confirmation, he wasn’t sure that being Catholic was really part of who he was. 

“Let us offer each other a sign of peace.”  
And yet - as he received handshakes and smiles and well wishes from everyone around him - he had to admit that it felt really good, too. 

“Jesus, Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us.”  
As Oliver knelt, he was suddenly struck by what the priest had just said. 

“Jesus, Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us.”  
The last time he’d heard those words, he had no idea what sin was. Oh he’d slept around, done drugs, lied to his parents. But that wasn’t sin. Or if it was, it was a petty, ignorant sort of sin. The sort of sin committed by a petty and ignorant man, without even the fortitude to be truly bad. 

But since then… Oh, God, since then… he’d bashed in a man’s chest with a rock. He’d tortured men for information. He’d tortured a man, for hours, for no reason other than to vent his anger. He’d chosen to kill a man -- a friend -- rather than give him the antidote to a drug that was tormenting him. He’d panicked, and let that fear lead to the deaths of hundreds, including his own mother. 

Since then, he had learned what sin meant.

“Jesus, Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world. Grant us peace.”  
_You take away the sins of the world._ The magnitude of that offer had never hit home before.

“Behold the Lamb of God, behold him who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb..”

Oliver had spoken the words dozens of times in his life. But now he spoke them not in the sing-song of rote memorization, but in a tone of wonder. _Is it possible?_  
“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you" -- that much was certainly true -- "but only say the word, and I shall be healed.”

Oliver knelt, his head bowed, as people shuffled past him to communion. _You take away the sins of the world.._  
On Lian Yu, he’d told Shado he was afraid the island was turning him into something horrible. Shado had replied that the island couldn’t turn him into anything he didn’t already have inside him. The years since then had proven her right. He was born in sin, born the sort of man who would kill someone in anger. The sort of man who could look at someone whimpering in pain and not react in the slightest.  
And he had gotten better. He had. He knew Felicity and John thought he was unwilling to acknowledge his progress, but that wasn’t it. He knew he’d improved.  
But the weight of everything he’d done hung on his heart. How could he take pride in his accomplishments while that awareness stayed with him, every day?  
How could he let go of that awareness without dishonoring everything he cared for?  
What would he give to have this load taken from him? _Anything_.

“Let us pray.” All around him, heads bowed as the priest began speaking. 

“Lord, we come to you with penitent hearts. We bring you our sins, and ask that you look on us with mercy. Help us find your light within ourselves, and teach us to serve you better. We ask this through Christ our Lord.”

“Amen.” Oliver spoke with the rest of the congregation, but remained kneeling as everyone else rose to their feet.

“The peace of our Lord, and the love of Jesus Christ, be with each one of you.”  
“And also with you.” Peace. Love. Hope. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have these things. He could stop fighting. He could accept the love and friendship of his team. But he knew he didn’t deserve them. And yet….

“May almighty God bless you, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Our mass is ended. Go in peace.”  
_Go in peace_. The blessing was offered without condition, without judgement. Offered to those who had only moments ago been acknowledged as sinners. _Look on us with mercy._ Could he, with all his sin, be forgiven? Be worthy of love nonetheless?

Everything in the Mass, everything in the Church, seemed to say yes. 

As everyone around him shuffled towards the door, Oliver bowed his head again, and prayed with a sincerity he’d never felt before. 

_Hail Mary, full of grace. The lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus._

_Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths._

_Amen._

**Author's Note:**

> A friend of mine mentioned his headcanon that the Queen family is Catholic, and I thought it fit so well. He's definitely got the guilt and repentance down; I liked the idea of Oliver finding some peace -- of actually hearing the central message of forgiveness and healing.


End file.
